In a future, long from now...  (Baby B and A super imposed picture at Star Wars in Hollywood Studios)

In a future, long from now… (Baby B and A super imposed picture at Star Wars in Hollywood Studios)

One concern that gnaws at me is aging. I was 40 years old when the girls were born, and I turned 41 just 3 months later. When I turn 50, the girls will be 9. Yes, when I turn 60, the girls will only be 19 years old! So, I worry because, well, that is what I do!

I worry something will happen to me in my 50’s, and the girls will not have their mother in their teen years. What girl doesn’t need her mother to help her maneuver through raging hormones, adolescent platitudes, first love, and first heartbreak? I’m excited to take them shopping (dad not so much) for prom dresses. It will fill my heart with pride to see them with their caps and gowns on graduation day!

What if something goes wrong in my 60’s? The 20’s are an important age too! They will be off to college, done with college, get their first “real” jobs, and usually experience their first real heartbreak. Then will come love, hopefully, and one day marriage (I’m a traditional kind of girl.)! We would like to help with the wedding and their first home. I worry I won’t be around for transitions, important events, or if I am, that I will be too old and infirm to be of any help.

I would be grateful for the 70’s. Yes, I would give anything to see them into their 30’s! Hopefully, they will be married and with at least one child, a decent job, and no more than the daily mendacities that aggravate life. I pray that this will be the most turbulence they will ever have to experience, while I fully know that it is unlikely. I pray even harder that I will still be around if they need me, even if I am in a nursing home, and yes, even if all I can do is love them!

The bottom line is that I want to be there for my girls! Sometimes I hate myself for having waited so long. But then I pause, I think, and I know that any slight modification, and my girls would not be my girls; they would be different children altogether, as my life would also be different. I smile because I could not change one thing for fear of losing them!

I have come to realize that I cannot change my apprehensions. They are normal, and I am normal (or would like to think that I am), and so I accept this. The reality is that mothers die at all ages, leaving their children to life. Being older doesn’t mean that I won’t be around. All it means is that I must enjoy every moment and in every breath ensure that my girls know they are fully and utterly loved by me and that I have done everything I can to prepare them for this world with or without me.

 

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