Welcome, Mamma Crew! Today is Mamma Thursdays when it’s all about us! The mammas!
Today’s episode is going to be more explicit than usual so if you have kiddos listening, it’s a good time to put on your headphones, or maybe choose a different time to listen to this.
So — erectile dysfunction. We’ve all heard about the magic blue pill. I mean, come one — that thing is on national ads all over the place. It’s covered by insurance, it’s covered by Medicare. There’s really no national debate about the need for this magic blue pill or its contribution to society. Everything is easy peasy!
So why is it that there isn’t a magic little pill for women? Especially women over fifty? I mean, come one, ladies — I know from my friends that a lot of you are dealing with pre-menopause and some of you are in full-blown menopause. And some of us are in surgical menopause, okay? I haven’t had my female parts for six, seven years now. I lost them to endometriosis.
So about a year ago, when I went to my doctor, complaining about vaginal pain, her response was, “There is a new treatment to help with that.” I was like, “Really…? What is that all about?” Well, she said it was the answer to the blue pill. I said, “Alright…” I’m always suspicious of new things. And I’ve been through enough medical procedures to know that there are no easy answers out there.
So I said, “Okay, so what is this magical magical blue pill for women I haven’t heard of?” And she said, “Well it’s not exactly a pill — it’s the O-Shot.”
What the fuck is the O-Shot (no pun intended)? And she said, “Well, it’s the Orgasm Shot.” I said, “Really…? Tell me more… What exactly does it do for me?” Well, so she explains how the O-Shot is a type of platelet-rich plasma treatment for your vagina. In other words, they take blood out of your arm, a little bit like when you go to donate blood, and they remove certain components out of your blood, and they leave the portion of your blood that contains all the growth factors that help us heal ourselves. You know, like when you were young and you would fall and a scab would form. And there was like this nice, pink liquid — kind of yellowish sometimes — that help you form that scab? That’s what platelet-rich plasma is. So they isolate it and concentrate it and use it back into your own body.
Now, this isn’t exactly a new concept, using platelet-rich plasma, or PRP. Athletes use it a lot to treat injuries. So it has been extensively used to treat sports injuries, aid in recovery from surgery, and, believe it or not, even treat hair loss. So we know that using PRP is very effective in helping to treat muscular wounds, broken bones… And the claim is that it does increase, or it speeds up healing time.
So what exactly is it supposed to do for your vagina? Well, the O-Shot claims to improve vaginal sensation, sexual function, and a lot more. Some of the benefits are supposed to be: increased sexual desire, increased arousal, and if you’re going through those hot flashes, it’s supposed to increase lubrication and heighten orgasm. Doctors do make other claims like it could ease urinary incontinence and a host of other things like treat chronic pain from child-birth and interstitial cystitis.
So does it sound too good to be true? Hell, yes! Anytime that a doctor tells you that something’s easy peasy and has such wonderful benefits, you really have to ask yourself: are they fucking bull shitting me? There’s got to be a catch to this. Because, well, there’s always a catch. And so the question to my doctor was: what is that catch?
And she said, “Oh, nothing! I’m telling you, this is easy peasy. I do a block. And after a do the block, you’re not going to feel any pain, and it will be fine. I said, “Okay, why do I need a block to stop the pain? What pain are we talking about?” Well, it turns out that they stick these long needles inside your vagina to shoot the PRP into it. I was, like, “Fuck you, no! That sounds incredibly painful!”
Flash forward several months: still having problems because, well, I don’t have hormones to create any lubrication and I never knew
that vaginal dryness could become exceedingly painful. So she said that this O-Shot’s going to work. And I’m thinking, I’ve tried the hormones and they haven’t exactly worked and part of the problem with me is I had such a severe case of endometriosis that I can’t take the amount of hormones that an average person can take for pre-menopause, or menopause, or both menopause, for that matter. So I do have to consider alternatives. And the O-Shot is supposed to be the equivalent — or actually, better than that magical blue pill. So the pain and the fact that I’m very active because I still have young children, tortured me until I caved. I said okay, I’m gonna do it.
Of course, unlike the magical blue pill, the O-Shot is not covered by insurance! Because guess what? Insurance doesn’t believe that it has any type of benefit for a woman to have the procedure done with regards to her body. And after all, what benefit is there to society for women not to be in pain?! Now before you think I’m just being sarcastic, that’s pretty much how the conversation went with my insurance provider. So I had to pay the $1800 out of pocket for this magical cure.
At the time, I was told it was supposed to last a year. The benefits were supposed to last a year. So $1800 for one year of peace and comfort — didn’t seem terribly bad. And my husband was hoping for the side benefits, too. So we paid $1800 and the big day arrived. Like I said, I’ve been through enough medical procedures now in my life that when the doctor says something’s gonna be easy peasy, I know to pop in an Ativan. So I popped half an Ativan into my mouth and was swimming in bliss.
They came in and I quickly found out that the doctor’s explanation of the procedure was not quite as accurate as it turned out to be, okay? For starters, when they say a block, it’s just a topical. They use topical numbing medications inside and outside of your body. And my thought when this was happening was, “Fucking shit! I already paid $1800. This does not look good! Thank God for Ativan!.”
So after they put in the topical, they draw my blood out and they go and they put it in their little magical machine to separate the components that they’re going to inject. And after about 30 minutes of being in the numbing stuff, they come in, I go on the stirrup, and they start shooting things up.
Have you ever had to have anything stitched? You know, fallen, had a cut, whatever? Do you remember that right before the stitches, they inject novocaine into the open wound? Do you remember that special sort of pain? Well, multiply that by about ten! And keep in mind that I had severe endometriosis for many years ad my pain tolerance is pretty high! It hurt so fucking much!
There was twice when I got the shots and I just went black! Just absolutely went black! I couldn’t see, let alone, breath. Which, of course, the doctor kept telling me, “Breath, breath.” And when I said, “This fucking hurts!” Her answer was, “Oh, I think the topical medication must be expired!” But she still did the last shot! Now to be honest with you, I don’t remember how many shots there were. She said there were six or eight.
Now did they all hurt? I think about half of them hurt like hell. Absolute, sheer hell! And of course, they inject the outside as well so I went home with a pack of ice between my legs. And I left it there for about 24 hours, kept switching. Yes, indeed, that did help. The ice
helped tremendously. I don’t know if it did anything for my insides, but it certainly did a lot for my outsides!
So about a week later, my husband asked, “Have you felt any of the benefits yet?” And my answer was, “Don’t even fucking look at me! I don’t want anybody touching my insides, my outsides! Don’t look at me!” Just the memory of the pain was enough.
About two weeks after the heavy-duty trauma, I began to notice different things. Let me backtrack a little. Since giving birth to my twin girls, who are now twelve years old, I haven’t really felt the need to go to the restroom to go pee. My bladder needs to be full in order for me to feel it. And I drink a lot of water. I drink about 64 ounces a day. And so the first thing I noticed was that “that” sensation that I would get, that would let me know that it was time to go to the restroom, had returned. It was amazing! I didn’t even realize it wasn’t there until it returned! And frankly, I was quite shocked that I hadn’t noticed this because this has been going on for twelve years! But there it was. Back!
And soon thereafter, I noticed that there was discharge in my panties. Not the discharge that you get before your period when you’re ovulating, or you’re about to ovulate, but just clear discharge. Meaning my vagina was lubricating itself. Again. Without the aid of hormones. I was shocked. Completely shocked. It was an amazing feeling. I can’t stress this enough. Absolutely amazing!
My vagina felt like it was 20 years old again! The lower part of my body was acting like it was 20 years old again! And oh, honey! Let me tell you, I wanted to try it out! My poor husband — he was used and abused. Because my body parts felt like they were 20!
So were these feelings worth $1800? Abso-fucking-lutely! It was worth every dime. I no longer had pain. That miserable itchiness, burning sensation, that you get when your vagina is atrophy-ing, Did you know, by the way, that a vagina can atrophy? I didn’t know that. Nobody told me that. And the wonderful sensation that I need to go to the restroom and empty my bladder without going to the restroom and feeling like it’s the Niagara Falls.
And orgasms! Oh, those wonderful, beautiful orgasms! I didn’t realize how much I missed my buddies. But I had — which is not to say that I had an orgasm. But the intensity! Ladies, it is truly like being 20 years old all over again! They’re amazing!
So how long did it last? It did last about a year. Everything was amazing for about a year. And then slowly, things started to dwindle away. So when I said to my husband, “I need another O-Shot, unlike the first time, when my husband was, like, “Okay… Why? Why are we spending $1800 on this? What if it doesn’t work?” My husband was, like, “Absolutely! When do you want to have it done?”
The second time, I did go to the same doctor. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the same nurse. This nurse tried to draw blood from both of my arms, both of my hands, and failed. Miserably. The whole time, she kept blaming it on me, saying, “Well, it’s because you haven’t drunk enough water today.” Uhh… Actually, that day I had, unlike the first time, in which I didn’t know any better. Nobody told me anything, and of course, neither did they the second time. So basically, it was my fault.
And they were able to draw a little bit. The doctor comes in and says, “Well, there’s not enough to do the O-Shot. But I think that we should go ahead and use the blood that we did take out the PRP.
And I was like, “Haha! No.” She said, “Well next time we can do it again and make sure you drink lots of water before you come in and we’ll do the second half of the O-Shot.”
“Fuck you! No! No.”
She says to me, “Well it’s stupid! We already have some of the blood out. We should do it.”
“Hmmm… What part of ‘fuck you’ don’t you understand? This fucking hurts like hell! If I’m gonna have it done, I’m gonna have it all done and move on with my life! I’m not gonna have half of the misery, and then come back a week later for the other half of the misery!”
So my gynecologist and I have quite an unusual relationship ad it took her about an hour to convince me to go ahead and take what was there, especially since she offered to do the full O-Shot the next time. So I said okay. Did it hurt? Oh, son of a bitch! The same way that it hurt the first time! And yes, this time, supposedly, the topical was not old.
So if you’re going to have this done, insist on double-layering of the topical numbing cream. And make sure that you wait long enough for the succor to take effect. Because otherwise, you’re going to experience the hell, that is the O-Shot.
But the original question was: The O-Shot: Hell or Paradise? You go through hell to get to paradise! That is the answer. And I’m being honest with you. I highly recommend it, but be aware, it will be hell to get to that paradise! But as the old adage goes, anything really worth its weight in gold is difficult to obtain.